In Western society, a binary worldview is imposed on us before we even begin our lives. “Boy or girl?” is the first question asked of expecting parents. Those who choose to find out the sex of their baby before they’re born typically decorate their baby’s new room in blue or pink. Boys get toy trucks, girls get dolls, and so on.
So much of a child’s early life experience is determined by the genitals they’re born with, or the genitals the parents decide to preserve if the baby is born with a body that differs from standard male or female criteria, which occurs far more often than most people think: according to a research article from Brown University in 2000, which extensively reviewed medical literature from 1955 to 1998, the total number of people whose bodies differ from standard male or female is one in 100.
The first obvious problem is that gender identity doesn’t always align with the sex we’re assigned at birth. Denying the validity of genders outside the traditional binary spectrum is immensely damaging to individuals who don’t fit within the construct, but the implications go even further. It’s a human tendency to seek clear definitions and pack things into tidy black-and-white boxes in our heads. We fear things we can’t easily explain. Like most human instincts, it’s not always bad, sometimes it’s necessary to think this way for survival. However, applying such strict rules to every area of life robs us of our imagination, creativity, and critical thinking, all of which can be dangerous.
The issue comes up often in conversations around race as well, and quite literally becomes black versus white. There’s too much ambiguity in exploring nuances that defy a clean “good versus bad” debate, so the tendency is to become entrenched in the most comforting belief that one is good and one is bad.
In his article “Splitting and Identity Politics,” psychologist Andrew Hartz provides an example of a former psychotherapy client, a young white woman, who identified as black because she inherently associated whiteness with negativity and blackness with positivity. He attributed this mindset to the psychoanalytic term known as “splitting,” originally coined “splitting of the ego,” which can be simply defined as the tendency to see things in black-and-white. Intolerable thoughts are “split off” from the person’s awareness, which drastically limits our views of ourselves and the world.
Gender and race are entirely different concepts, but they are both social constructs that are ultimately weaponized as tools of oppression. If we can’t face our complicity in oppressive systems and confront the qualities we fear within ourselves, we deny ourselves and each other the growth and connection that can lead to actual progress.
As someone on the autism spectrum, my brain especially craves a black-and-white world: I want a clear distinction between true and false, good and bad, right and wrong. I’ve adapted to handle ambiguity, but navigating it doesn’t come naturally. It wasn’t until gender identity became a special interest that I realized just how deeply the binary worldview was baked into my thinking. Once I got comfortable with the concept of nonbinary gender identities and realized that label was a piece of myself I had been missing my whole life, it became easier to see the nuance everywhere else.
One area where I see binary thinking do the most damage is in conversations about crime and policing. If police action is restricted and crime escalates, the common response is that we need more police. The real answer is that modern policing isn’t effective or appropriate, but that doesn’t mean everything will magically be okay in its absence either. To actually reduce crime, it’s necessary to take a deeper look at what crimes are being committed, and why.
Where I live in Seattle, crimes related to sex work are a common complaint, and the suggested response is usually to re-criminalize prostitution, because people were less exposed to it when workers could be plucked from the street and incarcerated. We see something we perceive as bad, so we want to punish it because that’s how our society is used to operating. By framing it this way and choosing either scenario, we dismiss the fact that sex workers are human beings who deserve to work and live just like anyone else.
If we embrace the nuance of the situation, there’s room to recognize that sex work is an industry that fulfills a very real human need for sex and physical connection. Countless other industries have been regulated and offer government-mandated protections for their workers, so why should sex work be any different? Within a more nuanced view, more possibilities present themselves. For example, if there were designated places for people to provide and receive services safely, women wouldn’t have to wait on street corners in scant clothing to be picked up by strangers to do the deed in alleyways behind family residences. Pimps would be irrelevant, as would their need to defend their territories with gun violence. Exploring alternatives to the black-and-white options raises a multitude of questions, but that’s the point: now you’re thinking about the possibility of creative compassionate solutions instead of assigning a good or bad judgment.
Embracing ambiguity has helped me become a more creative problem-solver. It’s helped me be a better partner, friend, and daughter. I’ve learned to use my tendency for black-and-white thinking to create rules for myself that account for the shades of grey in between, and all the colors that exist outside of the monochromatic spectrum. I’m calmer, happier, and more flexible than when I clung to rigidity in all areas of life, and I’m better prepared to show up for the people around me.
As Pride month comes to a close, I encourage you to sit with any discomfort you feel around the ambiguity of gender, sexuality, and beyond. Next time you catch yourself thinking “boy or girl?” try to take a moment to interrupt the way you’re used to classifying your fellow humans. Ambiguity can be scary, but if we embrace it, the possibilities for positive change are endless. If you’re interested in receiving gentle, ongoing support to adjust your mindset, book a free discovery call with me to learn about my coaching services and start your transformation to a more creative, intentional life.
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