Chronically Intentional

We are all familiar with shame to some degree – even those who deny or suppress it, have felt it. We’re made to feel as though shame is the worst possible outcome, even though it’s a normal, human response to having done “wrong.” The way I see it, shame can be divided into two categories: internalized external shame (ex: someone makes fun of the way you look, you then feel embarrassed), and the emotional reaction to unintentionally causing harm to someone else (ex: you made fun of the way someone looked, but you didn’t intend to insult them, so you feel guilty when they get upset). The latter kind is where I want to focus today: by working through reactive shame, we can reduce harm for ourselves and each other.

Feeling ashamed when we harm someone is good, initially – it shows us that we care and have remorse for causing that pain. However, most of us aren’t taught what to do with those feelings, especially highly sensitive folks who feel everything acutely. We’re taught to show remorse by saying “I’m sorry,” which, on its own, lacks accountability. Someone may attempt to get rid of their shame as quickly as possible by trying to convince the other person that the intent of the action that caused harm should matter more than the impact. The person who caused harm may see this as a good resolution because on the surface, it creates peace and makes them feel better. They haven’t been taught how to process shame differently, or to consider the consequences to the other person. 

By suppressing or deflecting the unbearable pain, we get stuck inside our own shame. It’s a subconscious defense mechanism – self-punishment does indicate remorse, but it also allows you to avoid the discomfort that might come from listening to the person you harmed. What if they really lay into you? What if you were actually wrong, and have to live with that forever? While you’re busy navel-gazing, the pain you caused remains, and often gets worse. 

Most people struggle to get past this stage. This barrier prevents people, especially those with a high amount of unearned privilege, from effectively unlearning oppressive patterns and making meaningful social or systemic change. Survivors of traumatically shameful experiences, such as bullying, may have trouble healing if they do not learn how to work through both kinds of shame. 

Examining the ways in which you individually contribute to systemic or social oppression may take a while. It will also be painful, so it can be helpful to work alongside a friend or small group, and/or with a therapist. If at any point in this process you feel a surge of emotion, try to pause before it erupts. Change takes practice, but being able to respond instead of react reduces harm, so it’s worth the effort. 

6 Steps to Work Through Shame

1. Stop. Notice your reaction, and how it makes you feel – not everyone knows how to identify shame when it arises. Are you suddenly angry, without being able to explain why? Is your body tense? Do you have the urge to hide from the person or situation? Do you feel attacked, because “I’m sorry” didn’t repair the damage? 
2. Recognize this isn’t about you. Once you’ve identified the shame, you need to forgive yourself – or at least put yourself aside for now. It’s like a wound – if you keep tearing it open and rubbing dirt in it, you’ll likely get an infection, and a nasty scar. This repair isn’t about you, and punishing yourself leaves room for nothing else while the harmed party suffers.
3. Listen. Now that you’ve made room, it’s time to focus on the harmed party. Listen to their description of events, and how they were impacted. Remember, your pain in hearing the details doesn’t matter at this moment – you are solely seeking to understand, because you care. You don’t want them to feel pain, right? Taking accountability is your only shot to ease the impact of harm. It’s okay to ask questions to clarify, just don’t speak over or interrupt to do so.
4. Take accountability. Once you have listened and gained an understanding of their experience, validate their feelings, and name the harm you caused. Accountability requires vulnerability, which is going to be uncomfortable – more so if this is a new practice for you. 
5. Communicate your action plan. Explain how you are going to adjust your future actions to avoid repeating the same harm, and if applicable, how you will work to repair the damage done. This should reflect what you learned from listening to the harmed party.
6. Follow through. Do the work you committed to. All the work you’ve done to this point means nothing if not followed by matching actions. 

You still may not be able to repair the harm caused – this is only for the harmed party to decide. Regardless, you have work to do. If you set yourself aside without forgiveness, return to that part of you now. Let the work you do overshadow the shame. The less shame you carry, the more capacity you’ll have to reduce harm.

It’s easy to list steps neatly in a post, but this work is far from linear, and never one-and-done. Learning new things also comes with making mistakes, which might create more opportunities for you to work through the ways shame limits you from being accountable. It’s going to be uncomfortable, but not as excruciating as carrying a lifetime of shame that separates you from meaningful human connections. 

This post is written from my personal experience, and should not be taken as mental health advice.