In my first post about shame, I focused on reactive shame, which occurs when we have an emotional response to causing harm to others. Today, I want to talk about internalized external shame, or the response to harm from others, that can be emotionally debilitating and contribute to a myriad of mental health issues.
As with most essential skills, self esteem is built in childhood.1 Adults who experienced acceptance, love, praise, and inclusion in most aspects of their lives growing up have a built-in barrier that helps mitigate internalizing shame from external sources. For those of us who were held to impossible expectations, especially if we failed to meet those expectations due to differences in age, neurotype, gender, or ability, it is far more likely for us to be shamed by others at any age, and to carry that shame with us throughout our lives.
I was a very eccentric (read: undiagnosed neurodivergent) child. One year in middle school, I wore the same pants to school every single day. I believed I could telepathically communicate with animals. I was a huge nerd who loved science and books. I was shy, awkward, and chubbier than most of my peers. I had a hard time with social cues. In hindsight, it’s no surprise that I was often bullied and alienated – and that my sense of self was heavily impacted.
I was praised as a brilliant student, but my brain got in the way of being able to navigate math in particular. In high school, I stayed late to get help with my physics homework every day, and still did so poorly that my teacher ended up dropping my worst grades so my apparent ineptitude wouldn’t tank my GPA.
Living through a lens of neurodivergence, without knowing that my brain just worked differently than most people’s and that my body was being ravaged by illness, led me to internalize all of my differences as “flaws” that I was responsible for. I didn’t understand how unreasonable it was for adults and peers to expect me to behave as a healthy, neuronormative person, when I wasn’t. Plus, similarly to many people assigned female at birth, I took responsibility for the negative emotions of the people around me, and how others treated me.
Establishing a strong, confident sense of self is something most of us will work on for the rest of our lives. There is no way to completely erase the effects of the harm we’ve endured, but it is possible to learn how to heal.
Understanding ourselves better can help counteract shame
My ADHD diagnosis is one of the biggest things that impacted my internalized shame. It wasn’t immediate, but learning that I simply have a different neurotype than the “norm” lightened the load considerably. I’m not lazy; I struggle with processing, sensory overload, and burnout. I’m not stupid, I just don’t learn the same way most people do, and have issues with memory recall. Working with a therapist who also understood these things was immensely helpful. If access to resources is an issue, self-diagnosis is an equally valid tool for self-understanding.
The way we speak to and about ourselves matters
People who carry heavy internalized shame also tend to have very negative internal monologues. If we hurt ourselves before someone else can hurt us, the external force will have less power (or so says our traumatized brains). No one is perfect, and sometimes we will screw up. If someone notices us making a mistake, they may get angry or judgmental and cause us to feel small, reinforcing our shame. You can practice showing up for yourself in these situations – identify the mistake, how you could avoid it next time, and forgive yourself. They key word is practice. Changing the way we communicate with ourselves takes a lot of work over time, but it is possible to find ways to be kinder to yourself, even when faced with people who aren’t.
Community heals
Finding your people, those who love the things that others have ridiculed about you, and who understand how to set healthy expectations, helps to reverse the painful patterns. It’s a challenge, especially for people who are isolated, but keep in mind that internet friends are real friends too. If in-person isn’t accessible to you, look for communities of like-minded people online. When you immerse yourself in love and acceptance, you can use these new experiences to rewrite your self image to reflect your worthiness.
Working through any kind of shame is going to be a lifelong practice, because again, we are human. If you struggle with deep internalized shame, I recommend seeking a mental health professional who’s equipped to help you through those painful feelings.
Starting next month, I will also be available to help support your journey through health coaching. Subscribe below to be notified when my calendar opens!
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